Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
