if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
