I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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