i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
