I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
