when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
