A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
