Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
