I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
