smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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