I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
