i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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