Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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