ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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