why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
