Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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