The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
