I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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