My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
