Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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