I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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