shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
