I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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