She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
