Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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