my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
