but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
