he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
