made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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