When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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