Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
