i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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