Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
