Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
