I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
