we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
