You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
