I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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