I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just google imaged poop.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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