Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
