my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
