when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
