if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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