Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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