by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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