K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize