You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
