Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
