I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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