She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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