I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
