Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
