I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
