I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
