I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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