I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
